Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
