i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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