Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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