every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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