I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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