somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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