Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
