Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
