I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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