are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
