I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
