she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Is Oprah even human
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
