and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
