Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
