90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
