Four minutes until I can fart!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
