I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
