that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When did angry sex become our thing?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize