Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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