Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
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Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
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Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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