What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize