Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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