so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
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You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize