Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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