First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
