Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
