Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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