i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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