I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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