im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Please, let me fuck your mom
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
