Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
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