I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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