my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
