I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
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The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
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He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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