don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
