i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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