I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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