You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
