Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
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My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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