I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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