If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
