Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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