why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
