I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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