I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
