I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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