Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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