He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
