turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
