Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
