You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Four minutes until I can fart!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
