i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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