accomplished twins. life is a go
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
